Early one frosty morning, before the mist had truly cleared from beneath the flatiron mountains of Boulder Colorado, a lone vegan walked through a forest with their dog, thinking about cheese. The dog pulled off to the side of the trail, and took a shit. The vegan felt a pang of dread.
Our roaming vegan had brought a few of those plastic doggie poop bags that can be found at the beginning of most trails. Removing one of these, they did the dirty deed of picking up the poo. Gross.
Suddenly disgusted by the bag monster they had just created, (it was kind of warm) they dropped it, glanced over their shoulder, and began walking quickly away.
Our reporter climbed out of the nearby trees surrounding the vegan, to give a brief interview.
“I don’t see what the big deal is.” The Vegan said through a mouth full of Oreo cookies, “I did half of the work. Nobody is going to step in it.”
When asked about the hundreds of other dog poop bags which lined the side of the trail, the vegan refused to comment, exclaiming that they were being triggered, and had to leave.
“Everybody loves dogs.” Said one of our leading experts, located at a scientific laboratory nearby, “But nobody really knows what to do with the mess they leave behind. People either need to start leaving their dogs poo outside of a bag in the woods, or taking it with them.”
He then paused our conversation, to look through his microscope, nod his head, and make meticulous notes on a clipboard.
The phenomenon most people experience upon bagging some of their dogs , can be called “Baggers Regret,” when the bagger realizes they have no idea what to do with their newly created bag of poo. It is one thing to see it, another thing to want to bag it, and another thing entirely to actually be holding it.
These poop bags started out as a way of keeping the residual byproduct of our terrible dog food from reaching the waterways, but now we just have a bunch of orphaned doggy poo bags, floating like ghosts on the sides of hiking trails around the world, while everybody else thinks that somebody is going to pick them up.
When questioned about this issue, president elect Donald Trump simply said, “We are going to make dog poo great again.”
For obvious reasons, hikers do not wish to have any poop bags in their backpack, mingling with their water, book of poetry, bottles of kombucha, and prayer flags. So they simply leave it behind. We totally get it. But please, either dont bag the poo, or take the bag with you.